4 out of 5 ornithologists agree, today

is the day for a new beginning. You’ve got

to stop ordering donuts and veal for breakfast

and get serious about your plans for world

domination. The first step in any good plan

is building a death ray out of squirrels

and empty Amazon delivery boxes. This

is the end of summer which means

the beginning of winter or is it still spring?

Ask your podiatrist if dissociation

is right for you. I’m so glad I found

the devil’s own dishwashing detergent

packages. 95% of US adults don’t get

enough fiber from anxiously chewing

on their fingernails, pulling out their

hair. When I grow up, I want no one

to want anything from me. Just be

quiet for a little while.