Tilt your head pretend to get it

One day I’m gonna give myself so much credit

I’ll be allowing myself to be completely raw

I saw myself overcome it all.

I woke up to sound of water

I get up from the floor

Like a teeter totter

A Wine bottle yikes

Legs covered in bug bites

Hair matted

It’s my dad watering

He knows im drunk

I’ve spent weeks

outside

in this tent so alive

Scattered journals

incense,  tarot cards

And books

this higher power wisdom

Im hooked

deeply connected

Confident

natures brighter

I can hardly write fast enough

Where’s my lighter

I take a few hits

I’m wearing cats ears and pink chucks

I jump in the pool fully clothed

Goodluck

My friends show up to my door

Don’t know how they knew

I didn’t have social media

deleted all numbers too.

I was excited for the visit

I said ,”lets drink!”

Two of them said nah

Bad idea I think

The others and me,

it was a go

I was the only one

who could get liquor

I stole my sis’s ID

When she later found out

Man, she was furious at me

We drank all night at the park

When it begin to get dark

I broke down to cry

My parents drink that’s why

Said I didn’t wanna go home

so they dropped me at another friend

Crying and a mess

I proceeded to tell her and her mom,

the truth I couldn’t pretend

they took me to mental health facility

I was gonna lose my abilities

They strap me down to a gurney when we were on our way

I was fiercely creating lots of art.Then  Abilify I would start.

They diagnosed me with bipolar two mania .I stopped the meds when I got home. For 7 years spiritually alone.

Years later,I moved out with my ex.

I was mad his band was going on tour

I couldn’t take it anymore.

So when he left for work

I downed a bottle or two

And hatched a plan  to break our relationship glue

I trashed his room up pretty good

Cut up his band posters stole his vinyls

and took his hoods

took one last look at the room

Knew then we were through

Had to move back home

Was kind of in a frenzy

would get real drunk and stoned

I needed a change

I told my sister I’m leaving

packed my things

headed on the bus to San Francisco

To go find my soul.

I sat on the bus depot contemplating my life.

Where the hell was I going my heart break felt like a knife.

Went to the hospital wearing my heart shaped sunglasses . I had just taken a beating from life’s hardest classes. When I was getting evaluated I’d paced back and forth ranting my thoughts to these people saying I need a report find something wrong with me figure me out instead I’ll take whatever you got I don’t want to shout

They told me I have bipolar one ultra rapid cycling. They asked me if they could put my story in the medical journals as it was a rare case

you should have seen my face

thought I was making a difference thought I was finally unique. They figured me out it was over that’s why it’s all been bleak.

I took the meds for a while they didn’t make me feel too good

I didn’t think it was a good solution

I still believe medication is a pollution.

I began abusing ketamine.

And went into spiritual psychosis.

Up my nose you go

I need to feel the flow

You little cure all

See how my thoughts freefall

I had discovered it

All on my own

I feel the spirit dancing

Deep with in my bones

The cure alas

Doctors always got it wrong

I can heal through just a song

Big pharma would have you think

it definetly knows the way

But on medication

I never felt okay

It’s time to receive a message

Divine spirits on their way

I can talk to God now

He likes what I have to say

They call me grandiose

But I shall raise a toast

I can see beyond

Sensing energy whats so wrong

Just because I feel so deeply

You rather me down and cry

I spent years so lost

For this I do not lie

I know I’m in  psychosis

A spiritual one at that

I felt it once before

All these years way back

My parents didn’t understand me

I slept every night outside in a shack with my tarot cards and incense my journals on my back

Receiving love from the universe

God it was insane

I tried to share my knowledge with my friends they didn’t comprehend in their brain

Concerned for my well-being

They wanted me to be committed to the man

They took me to the hospital cried pleaded me to stay

I agreed just to see their tears go away

I always will regret it

it stripped away my gifts

Left me feeling empty

For years and years I’d reminisce

My world collapsed around me spent 7 years depressed stripped of all my abilities my knowledge there was nothing left

I’m not dumb or under hypnosis

Just feeling a long awaited psychosis

I receive special messages through music and the phone

Psychics have reached out

Man the messages I’ve been shown

I have more confidence now

I want to be healer it’s so clear

There’s no demon or entity that I even fear

Man I’ve waited all these years

In between so sad drinking all those beers

Never thought Itd come back

The visions I’ve been shown man there’s a lot to unpack

God himself showed me the hurting in the world

telling me the answers peace

Love for all the boys and girls

I’ve seen my inner child right in front of my eyes hold their hands up

Wanting me to pick her up and arise

I can see spirits dance among the trees

When I merely gaze

you never would believe me

They’re like bright and colorful Haze

I see two different faces similar to my own

When I look upon the mirrors

They’re my alter egos I don’t fear

But they don’t mimic my movements

Their entities all alone

They get jealous I’m in the real world

I assure them they’re not clones.

They represent my greatest weaknesses my ego and my pain

I’ve spent weeks of isolation

With the aid of ketamine

Unpacking all my trauma

Man I’ve been set free

I’m a big advocate for psychedelics spiritual medicine and me

Don’t care what anyone says

Cuz man it brought me home

I made God a promise that I wouldn’t drink again I betrayed my word even told him I wouldn’t sleep with men

God will send you punishment that I can’t pretend

I got pretty toasty and went up on the roof

The construction men try to help me down

But I was so aloof

I then told off my roommate don’t remember what I said but he got scared and frightened

Slam the door and tightened

Calling the police I overheard him say she’s bipolar and crazy are you on your way

Couldn’t believe he did that

Now wait for the cops

I’ll sit right here

Man he was such a flop

When the cop arrived I calmly told them my side

He went to talk to my roommate

Man I should have run and hide

Next thing I was in handcuffs

Don’t worry it’s not my first time I’m tough

Told the cop could he play some music

But man he was no fun

I looked up to the heavens and said goodbye to the sun

I knew it’d be the last time I’d probably feel this way

Man if I could just do it over this very stupid day

If anybody reads this I caution you with this tale

You’re vulnerable to demon spirits who want to see you fail

don’t pick up the liquor bottle it’s not worth it

I wasn’t really sure now if I was going to the loony bin or jail

I told the cop his ancestors were speaking directly down

That he has to help the people

He has the power no time to mess around

Said he should give people Grace

And officer sir this doesn’t help not this place.

Eight people held me down

Wow this is so wrong

The nurse replied gosh you are so strong

I fought with all my might

To stand for what is right

Youd strip me of my gifts

They want me like the rest

But I have to make a final aattest

I’ve felt so dead for years

To go back there shall be tears

The needle pierced my arm

The spirits will be alarmed

Now I pace the hall

Waiting for the doctors call

I can’t believe once again

I have to play along

Convince staff I am okay

How long will I be here

I miss the light of day

My fifth time in a mental hospital

Gosh western medicine is impossible

Might as well make some friends

I scanned around the room

I see a boy in a daze

Watch the blurry TV haze

There’s a girl singing at the top of her lungs

She seems really out of it

Yeah she should be fun

I stick my tongue out in her direction

Wish I could see my own reflection

The hours are so long

Why is spiritual awakening so wrong?

In some other cultures

They don’t treat enlightenment like vultures

Picking out your eyes so you can’t see God’s prize

Mental illness doesn’t exist

It’s celebrated as a gift

Man I’d be a shaman

I just want to share my light with all men

I befriended  a short haired girl

Who belongs out in the world

She tells me this is her 25th time

Being locked up like her free spirit is a crime

Her mother is a psychologist

Who has her in a conservatorship

Man I can even fathom that hardship

Not being able to make your own choices

Just because you hear voices

She talks of quantum physics philosophy and such

She really has a lot to say

But I don’t think it’s too much

She tells me of adventures she’s had with homeless people sleeping under a bridge she goes to UC Davis

Or I mean at least she did

She’s a pretty bright kid

She said she chopped her hair off

And I noticed she doesn’t shave her pits

I quickly peg her as the hippy dippy chick

Off to meet my roommate let’s see what happens there

She has quite a lot of stuff a bunch of teddy bears

She said she’s been here 6 months she used to weigh 90 lb

Used to be on meth and being pimped around

She wanted to say a prayer

She even taught me the last line

Of our father I thought that was really kind

Man the staff is kind of grumpy they don’t let you walk very far along the hall

One can go mad in here

Not me I’ll stay strong

They had me sign a paper

I have to be here 2 weeks

That time has such taper

I have to have a hearing

And sit before judge

Just have to tell my truth

And see if he won’t budge